K so me and my coworkers had this discussion today (based off something a client said) so I’m asking y’all: what would you do if you were no longer physically and/or sexually attracted to your spouse/partner? And do you think that’s ground for leaving? For some context: a woman had come in and told one of us that she’d been married for 12 years and was still in love with her husband but was no longer attracted to him. According her, he’d gained well over 60 pounds, stopped shaving, wore sweats, and (her words, not mine) “let himself go”. His attitude and overall disposition is the same but his appearance is not. She said she can only have sex with him maybe twice a month and has to have alcohol in her system. She’d brought it up to him and he shrugged it off basically saying “tough shit, this is me” so now she’s genuinely thinking of divorcing him because it’s been about 4 years of this (yeah it’s a lot of info but people spill a lot of shit to us at the gym for whatever reason lol). Okay let’s do this, what y’all think? I seriously wanna hear from y’all because we were all so divided on this issue lol
I’m of the opinion that if you leave someone because you are no longer physically attracted to them then you cannot and should not call that love. Bodies change. They always change. Sometimes it’s weight sometimes it’s age and sometimes it’s an accident but if you just leave because you no longer have the hots for your husband than that’s not love. They built a relationship off of sex and now that that’s off the table the relationship is in danger. If we were going to say that this is acceptable behavior then we’d also have to say it’s understandable for men to leave their wives when they get older for younger women. I’m not saying that sex isn’t important or that finding your spouse attractive isn’t important but if you’re willing to throw away your whole marriage because of a little weight then don’t even say you love that person.
I def see where you’re coming from and agree but like what if you were in her situation what would you do? Imagine like 4 years of no passion with your partner? You’re physically repulsed by them? I’m not being a dick but like I’m genuinely curious how most people would deal with that situation
This is kind of why I wouldn’t call it love. Real love breeds passion all by itself. When you really love someone you love them in whatever form they’re in. I can’t even imagine being repulsed by someone I love because real love doesn’t allow for that. This is why peope have to be really careful not to make sex a load baring wall in their relationship. To me this is no different than a woman going through depression and anxiety and not having sex with her husband so he uses that as a justification for leaving her for a younger hotter wife. It just seems trash to me.
I guess it’s hard for me to say what I would do personally because I just don’t think real love allows for this kind of thing , but I think if I found myself in a marriage with someone who started to “repulse me” I would have to realize I’m not in love with that person. And would likely leave based on that not so much just not having sex. Like eventually none of us will have sex with our partners save for every now and then. That’s just going to come with age no matter what. But I guess if she’s that disgusted with him she should leave but she shouldn’t tell people she loved him.
I think any reason to leave is valid. You can love someone but not be physically attracted to them. For some people, sex is important. And if they can’t have a healthy or fulfilling sex life with their partner, it’s ok to leave. I don’t think it means they don’t love them, just that they aren’t right for each other.
I think we begin to walk a very slippery slope when we define love like this. Sex at some point with your partner will change. People get depressed, people get busy. accidents happen, people get older, bodies change. If we start allowing for a definition of love that allows for people to leave simply because sex has changed then we diminish the definition of true love. I’m not saying that a healthy sex life isn’t important, but your partner gaining weight isn’t necessarily stopping that. That’s a mental block. If we allow for this definition of love then what happens when someone becomes disabled? Will we call it love if “well she loves him but he can’t fuck since the accident so she’s leaving but that’s love tho” like to me personally that’s just not an acceptable definition of love.
I’m sorry if this sounds rude, but he didn’t get in an accident, he just let himself go. He’s not camparable to someone who’s been in an accident, he made conscious decisions in his life. If his wife isn’t attracted to him anymore, and if she has to get herself drunk to have sex with him, she has the right to leave. Even if sex was an important part of their relationship, it’s not entirely her fault it was that way, he was obviously somewhat involved and was interested in sex. If she has to get drunk to have sex with him, I’m willing to bet she’s not always initiating sex and just does it because she feels like he wants it, especially when he told her “tough shit” when she said she wasn’t attracted to him. It’s natural to want sex in a relationship, and if people are in unhappy they can leave, as long as they do it respectfully.
If we are to say that leaving someone based solely on attraction alone is ok or that that still constituted love, how that person becomes unattractive is irrelevant. Whether it’s through life choice or accident the fact remains you’re no longer attracted to them. Which is why I used the example. If she’s unhappy of course she can leave. This isn’t me saying somsone should stay in an unhappy marriage. If you’re unhappy for whatever reason then absolutely let that shit go. I’m just saying let’s not call it love.
I think how they became unattractive is relevant. Especially if his response to her voicing these concerns and trying to have a discussion is “tough shit.” That’s the part that doesnt sound like love to me. He doesn’t care that she needs to drink to have sex with him? If someone loves you, they should care about your happiness.
Men and women have such a different laundry list of expectations to uphold and tbh the ones that center around appearance… heavily lean toward women’s responsibility. Men don’t think as much about things like ‘upkeep’ as a group. Some don’t think about it at all. That’s a double standard worth dissecting.
I hear the physical changes she’s describing and think about the overall cleanliness standards between men and women and how those differ as well. Hitchhiker disheveled beard look isn’t hot. Dude probably doesn’t shave body hair anywhere else either. Cologne… deodorant… clean clothes. It’s a slippery slope. Getting drunk to sleep with a partner sounds a lot like numbing oneself to fulfill a social-communal obligation. She’s not being acknowledged as a full person in the relationship and that in itself is unfair.
Especially with this being a situation described as a 12-year relationship with no mention of psychological or health factors, I gotta lean to whose experience is most likely to get erased overall.
She should leave him, 100%. People gain weight, but thats not an exucuse to not kook good for your partner. Buy better fitting ckothes, get trima amd haircuts and from the sound of it, he doesnt care about her living with him in that state. He doesnt care how this affects her. I couldnt do it.
“I’m sorry if this sounds rude, but he didn’t get in an accident, he just let himself go. He’s not camparable to someone who’s been in an accident, he made conscious decisions in his life.”
I don’t think most people make a conscious decision to “let themselves go”. Life happens. Physical injuries happen and we can’t go as hard in the gym. Work obligations happens and we have to spend more time sitting in the office. Family obligations happen and the time we used to dedicate to cooking healthy meals goes to taking young ones to soccer practice or grocery shopping for older ones. We don’t know his story, all we know is that his wife isn’t happy and it’s probably safe to assume he isn’t feeling his best either. Wether she ever really loved him or never truly did, the healthy thing to do today is honor her true feelings.
this is what happens every time jordan peele instigates the hot take industrial complex
the thing is jordan peele said this film wasn’t gonna focus on race like get out did so people are coming up with these theories out of nowhere and basing it on two minutes of footage
A white on youtube said this movie was about black on black crime.
That looks nothing like a sambo character
Or it’s just a scared black girl…because it’s a horror movie. Most the shit y’all made up about Get out wasn’t true either. He addressed y’all weird ass theories and you were wrong.
Hotep twitter loves a Jordan Peele trailer.
Also I love that y’all can’t comprehend dark skin people simply existing in films so much that you need to find a caricature to associate us with.
